Adore You

How would I even begin this?

That night, you pm-ed me on Facebook. Of course, I would be excited. You were talking to me first. That seldom happens. I was giddy inside. You asked for us to Skype. I didn't decline because I honestly missed your face and I needed any kind of contact with you. I'd settle with a video chat.

It was Christmas. Somehow, I had my own Christmas date. Somehow in my weirdly constructed mind, we were together. You were mine and I was yours.

Once our videos appeared on each other's screens, I couldn't hide what I was feeling. I really was so happy. It was an amazing surprise that made my Christmas day perfect. After feeling totally sad about Christmas, you brought back hope on the special occasion. My cheeks blushed as I tried to hide them away from the camera so that you wouldn't tease me. But you saw them. And you teased me. It was a good kind of teasing because at least you noticed it.

First things first. I helped you with your interview. I asked you questions and you would reply. A lot of things went through my mind as we did. Why me? Why not her? So you're really making me help you go away from me? Are you serious? Don't you know how painful it is for me to see you go? But I had to act cool if I wanted to talk to you.

Each word you spoke made me very happy. Although the connection was a bit off making our audio and video delayed. But it was okay. I could hear you. I could see you. It was better than just a blank screen and a few words unsaid.

The interview went well. I got to know how it would go. I was surprise to know that you would be staying there for only three weeks! But then dismayed when I found out that it was just a lie. You told me that you would extend the three weeks to six months then come back for six more months until your greencard would be processed. I didn't know what to think at that time.

As things were done we decided to look for a some things to laugh at. A few tumblr stuffs and it gave us a few minutes of laughter. I even showed you your post that you made that broke my heart. Well, it was worth a shot to see how you would handle it. I was a bit disappointed.

We watched two episodes of something that we both love, FRIENDS. I tried to synchronize your audio with me. It made me believe that we were watching the same thing, at the exact same time. You looked so cute while watching. A dream come true to watch something I love with someone that I love. As the second episode began, however, you turned the lights off and I could barely see you. But it was still okay. Cause I knew you were there.

You were really sleepy so I let you go to sleep. To my surprise, you didn't end the call. The screen was black. All I could hear was the fan. I watched a few more episodes and couldn't control a giggle. You sssh-ed me. It was so sweet. A kind of boyfriend thing, I have to admit.

The call was ended by my faulty internet connection. It was almost 5 hours and it was the best 5 hours of my year. But this got me thinking of how I really felt but more importantly, how you felt. I didn't want to assume and decipher things on my own because I don't want to create something not worth believing at all. I'm afraid to talk to you, to confront you, to ask you of what is real, but most importantly, to be rejected.

All throughout the call, I was so happy. You gave me the best Christmas present no amount of money can equate to. I love you, Jose Renzo Bainco. Please be mine. Good luck on your interview.

Kabet

I waited outside the restaurant of our choosing. It was hot that morning. Probably because it was just about noon and the sun is at its peak. I looked all around the area, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. Maybe a bag or your dark coloured skin. Behind the posts and plants, I searched for you but you weren’t there. I looked in front of the ice cream parlor, through the see through wires, across streets and past the accelerating cars. Not a single trace of you.

It was then when I looked back that I saw you again. It has been a long time since the last time that I laid my eyes on you. I couldn't even picture you in my mind. You look different from your pictures now. Much thinner and your hair was longer. It was as if I was looking at someone for the first time. Your hair was so long it was unmanageable. You wore shorts of black a button down that made you look like a hanger because of your slimness. But nonetheless, it suited you perfectly. We wore shoes that looked alike that could be mistaken as couple shoes. I looked behind the clothes and saw someone that I was just seeing for the second time.

The first time we met, it didn't turn out to what we both expected. In other words, we were both disappointed. With that, what we built over nights of chat, exchanging of thoughts on books and the feeling that was there was just… gone. You turned me down just like that and I did my best to remove you from my life. But months after, you came back and decided to meet with me.

We had coffee and doughnuts, your treat. We looked for a good spot, not to near the entrance and not to way in the café. The black comfy chairs with the small table in between was where we stayed for almost two hours. We both got the same drink—Venti Toffee Nut. It was for my planner that I was saving up for. It was your first try on a new flavor of the holiday drinks. I smiled upon seeing the name you gave to our cups. “Will Grayson”. The fictional character(s) that bridged us together.

Minutes of chitchat, spoilers of books and TV series, stories and catching up went by just like that. I barely noticed the time and I knew it had to end soon. As a gift, I gave you something that you requested. A book to a series that you were reading. I also let you borrow three of my books that have been stocked on my shelf for months now. You were so happy and I could see it in your eyes and in your smile. I was happy, too.

You invited me over to travel to your hometown, Bulacan. I was up for it since I haven’t been there and I wanted to spend more time with you. We took an fx going there. My eyes were fed with new sights. Buildings and billboards of different products. I was awake the whole time and did not feel any sleepiness that I expected from the lack of sleep the night before. You talked of all things—your family, your friends, and some special someones in your life. I tried to carry the conversation on with a few replies and some stories of my own but they never seemed to be as interesting as yours.

We arrived at a mall nearest to your place. It was my first time there and in the area so I had my eyes open. I followed you wherever you went in fear that I would get lost. We rode a bus going to your place and it was then that we took a trike to the house that sheltered you for almost your whole life. You said it yourself that this place gave you flashbacks. 

After a few minutes of staying there, we went back to the mall and just roamed around, cherishing the moments we had left together. Different boutiques, clothes of all colours and styles, mirrors the size of a wall, people passing by. The minutes was saddening because it dictated our minimal time left and in just a few more, we had to separate from one another.

We walked out of the mall and looked for a bus to take me home. It wasn't as hard as I expected. We spotted one easily. You lead me to it and I rode it. As I climbed the short flight of stairs, I didn't look back but I said my good bye. Through the bus’ mirrors I looked—stared, even— at your face and just thought to myself how it would take a long time before I see it again. I waved and managed a smile, although I was already on the verge of breaking down into tears because of the thought of that this could be the last time we would ever see each other. But I kept it all in. I had to. I didn't want to ruin the moment, this happy moment.  I looked around and you were nowhere to be found. I guess that’s it.

The radio then played a familiar song. Something that was perfect for the moment. I just hate it when songs play at the perfect moment, with the perfect meaning. It went like this (in English): In my heart, you are the only one. Even though you have someone else. Even if what we are doing isn't good, my love, just as long as I am with you, even if it means that you are hers.