Bed of Lies

What's gotten into me? I've been down this road before. You know where it ends—in a dead end. It's going nowhere and yet, why do I keep pushing things as if something would even sprout from it? Why am I so stupidly hoping that you and I would be a couple? Why can't I stop myself from wanting to talk to you? Oh god. I fucking hate this.

I know I shouldn't even try but why did I invite you to UP Lantern Parade afterparty to listen to Up Dharma Down? That's like a date itself, right? And yet he agreed. I don't get it. Right now, I'm torn. Hoping that you wouldn't be able to come so I can stop this nonsense. And at the same time, hoping that you'd do so I'd finally see you and hear your voice. We'd finally be able to bond. I'm already expecting an awkward moment but here I am again hoping that we'd share that night with a kiss or even a hug. How stupid can I get?!

I hate this. I hate how you haven't completely moved on. I hate how you won't like me. I hate how I had my hopes up from that single comment from you. I hate how I can't have you. I hate how we can't be together. I hate how we might not even see each other. I hate how I want to push myself away from you and yet want to be right next to you right now. I hate how confusing this situation is. I hate how even thought I know I can't have you, I still want to. I hate everything.

Christmas season is already here and the main event is just a few days away. I knew I would be celebrating it single but ever since that night, I had my hopes up again. I just wanted to have someone to spend it with. Someone who would hold my hand as we watch the lights or the fireworks. Someone who would give me a hug as we listen to the music and enjoy the festivity. Someone who would make me feel loved.

Oh god, and now I'm in tears. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for someone. I feel so lonely. So worthless. So useless. So ugly. I hate this shit.