Adore You

How would I even begin this?

That night, you pm-ed me on Facebook. Of course, I would be excited. You were talking to me first. That seldom happens. I was giddy inside. You asked for us to Skype. I didn't decline because I honestly missed your face and I needed any kind of contact with you. I'd settle with a video chat.

It was Christmas. Somehow, I had my own Christmas date. Somehow in my weirdly constructed mind, we were together. You were mine and I was yours.

Once our videos appeared on each other's screens, I couldn't hide what I was feeling. I really was so happy. It was an amazing surprise that made my Christmas day perfect. After feeling totally sad about Christmas, you brought back hope on the special occasion. My cheeks blushed as I tried to hide them away from the camera so that you wouldn't tease me. But you saw them. And you teased me. It was a good kind of teasing because at least you noticed it.

First things first. I helped you with your interview. I asked you questions and you would reply. A lot of things went through my mind as we did. Why me? Why not her? So you're really making me help you go away from me? Are you serious? Don't you know how painful it is for me to see you go? But I had to act cool if I wanted to talk to you.

Each word you spoke made me very happy. Although the connection was a bit off making our audio and video delayed. But it was okay. I could hear you. I could see you. It was better than just a blank screen and a few words unsaid.

The interview went well. I got to know how it would go. I was surprise to know that you would be staying there for only three weeks! But then dismayed when I found out that it was just a lie. You told me that you would extend the three weeks to six months then come back for six more months until your greencard would be processed. I didn't know what to think at that time.

As things were done we decided to look for a some things to laugh at. A few tumblr stuffs and it gave us a few minutes of laughter. I even showed you your post that you made that broke my heart. Well, it was worth a shot to see how you would handle it. I was a bit disappointed.

We watched two episodes of something that we both love, FRIENDS. I tried to synchronize your audio with me. It made me believe that we were watching the same thing, at the exact same time. You looked so cute while watching. A dream come true to watch something I love with someone that I love. As the second episode began, however, you turned the lights off and I could barely see you. But it was still okay. Cause I knew you were there.

You were really sleepy so I let you go to sleep. To my surprise, you didn't end the call. The screen was black. All I could hear was the fan. I watched a few more episodes and couldn't control a giggle. You sssh-ed me. It was so sweet. A kind of boyfriend thing, I have to admit.

The call was ended by my faulty internet connection. It was almost 5 hours and it was the best 5 hours of my year. But this got me thinking of how I really felt but more importantly, how you felt. I didn't want to assume and decipher things on my own because I don't want to create something not worth believing at all. I'm afraid to talk to you, to confront you, to ask you of what is real, but most importantly, to be rejected.

All throughout the call, I was so happy. You gave me the best Christmas present no amount of money can equate to. I love you, Jose Renzo Bainco. Please be mine. Good luck on your interview.

Kabet

I waited outside the restaurant of our choosing. It was hot that morning. Probably because it was just about noon and the sun is at its peak. I looked all around the area, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. Maybe a bag or your dark coloured skin. Behind the posts and plants, I searched for you but you weren’t there. I looked in front of the ice cream parlor, through the see through wires, across streets and past the accelerating cars. Not a single trace of you.

It was then when I looked back that I saw you again. It has been a long time since the last time that I laid my eyes on you. I couldn't even picture you in my mind. You look different from your pictures now. Much thinner and your hair was longer. It was as if I was looking at someone for the first time. Your hair was so long it was unmanageable. You wore shorts of black a button down that made you look like a hanger because of your slimness. But nonetheless, it suited you perfectly. We wore shoes that looked alike that could be mistaken as couple shoes. I looked behind the clothes and saw someone that I was just seeing for the second time.

The first time we met, it didn't turn out to what we both expected. In other words, we were both disappointed. With that, what we built over nights of chat, exchanging of thoughts on books and the feeling that was there was just… gone. You turned me down just like that and I did my best to remove you from my life. But months after, you came back and decided to meet with me.

We had coffee and doughnuts, your treat. We looked for a good spot, not to near the entrance and not to way in the café. The black comfy chairs with the small table in between was where we stayed for almost two hours. We both got the same drink—Venti Toffee Nut. It was for my planner that I was saving up for. It was your first try on a new flavor of the holiday drinks. I smiled upon seeing the name you gave to our cups. “Will Grayson”. The fictional character(s) that bridged us together.

Minutes of chitchat, spoilers of books and TV series, stories and catching up went by just like that. I barely noticed the time and I knew it had to end soon. As a gift, I gave you something that you requested. A book to a series that you were reading. I also let you borrow three of my books that have been stocked on my shelf for months now. You were so happy and I could see it in your eyes and in your smile. I was happy, too.

You invited me over to travel to your hometown, Bulacan. I was up for it since I haven’t been there and I wanted to spend more time with you. We took an fx going there. My eyes were fed with new sights. Buildings and billboards of different products. I was awake the whole time and did not feel any sleepiness that I expected from the lack of sleep the night before. You talked of all things—your family, your friends, and some special someones in your life. I tried to carry the conversation on with a few replies and some stories of my own but they never seemed to be as interesting as yours.

We arrived at a mall nearest to your place. It was my first time there and in the area so I had my eyes open. I followed you wherever you went in fear that I would get lost. We rode a bus going to your place and it was then that we took a trike to the house that sheltered you for almost your whole life. You said it yourself that this place gave you flashbacks. 

After a few minutes of staying there, we went back to the mall and just roamed around, cherishing the moments we had left together. Different boutiques, clothes of all colours and styles, mirrors the size of a wall, people passing by. The minutes was saddening because it dictated our minimal time left and in just a few more, we had to separate from one another.

We walked out of the mall and looked for a bus to take me home. It wasn't as hard as I expected. We spotted one easily. You lead me to it and I rode it. As I climbed the short flight of stairs, I didn't look back but I said my good bye. Through the bus’ mirrors I looked—stared, even— at your face and just thought to myself how it would take a long time before I see it again. I waved and managed a smile, although I was already on the verge of breaking down into tears because of the thought of that this could be the last time we would ever see each other. But I kept it all in. I had to. I didn't want to ruin the moment, this happy moment.  I looked around and you were nowhere to be found. I guess that’s it.

The radio then played a familiar song. Something that was perfect for the moment. I just hate it when songs play at the perfect moment, with the perfect meaning. It went like this (in English): In my heart, you are the only one. Even though you have someone else. Even if what we are doing isn't good, my love, just as long as I am with you, even if it means that you are hers.

Applause

This post is being carried by a hit, Lady Gaga's comeback and leading single for ARTPOP, Applause. Be worthy.

The last time I posted here was roughly three months ago, just about the time before classes start, before my first term as a green blooded Lasallian begins. That's pretty big. A huge gesture after leaving the Pontifical and Royal, which I barely miss now. Now there's an improvement from the times when I would regret leaving the university and my friends. Don't get me wrong, I still miss everything from the plates, 12nn-6pm prayers and shitty blockmates, down to the flood. But, I learned to accept the fact that, I guess, it wasn't meant for me. I wasn't meant to graduate as a Thomasian. Nonetheless, I will always be proud to say that I was once one and that I have yellow blood within this bloodstream of green.

What has happened over the past few months. Let's see. I've made friends. Lots of them. I especially love this block, LC26, for being like a block to me. They should me no different treatment. In fact, I felt like family. The two classes that we would have together was really fun. Surprisingly, I was even a comedian in the class. I would crack jokes every now and then that the class would find hilarious. I never got that kind of attention before. I guess college has made me funny. Or maybe they just laugh easily. But in a sea of 40+ students, I beg to differ. More thanks to the Banahaw trip that we had. It really strengthened my relationship with them that I got to know some of them bit by bit. It was tiring—yes—climbing up a mountain for five hours and travelling for four. It was one hell of a journey but worth remembering and taking a picture of. I'll definitely look back at this and smile and say, hey I survived climbing Mt. Banahaw.

De La Salle University isn't my home. A lot of students from other schools also decided to transfer and test their luck here. My fellow transferees are really awesome. They're like me. We are no different, also. I've been spending a lot of time with them and I really got to form new friendships. I can feel the acceptance and love from them. With them, I can feel completely me, completely free. Coming from different universities and colleges but connected by the university where the future begins.

My course subjects have been, uhm... a breeze? I guess not. It's been challenging, to be honest. Especially with citigov, since we lost our original professor who was way more awesome than the one we have now, and with intfilo where I barely understand anything that he says and the test questions have been my definition of difficult and the synonym of hell. I am not stable with my grade, though I haven't seen them. I'm terrified of failing. I am not ready for a failing mark. I will never be. I am scared that my time and money would be wasted again. High hopes from my mom and tremendous pressure to me. The others course subjects are okay. I guess I'll survive them. I better use as an inspiration the grades that I got off the net. Straight 4.0s, some 3.5s and 3.0s, one 2.5. Now that's something to be inspired of and to think about.

The MMDA with the help of Mayor Joseph Estrada's plan of a bus ban has been horrible. I know I am not affected that much but it is seriously horrible. Traffic has been longer than before that it takes me more time to get to school and to travel from Vito Cruz to Buendia. I wish they thought this through before they implemented it because it is a matter that requires intensive understanding. The expenses have also been unacceptable. I once tried travelling differently. I paid twenty pesos to get from Talaba to Coastal Mall. I had to wait under the scorching heat of the sun to get a ride from MIA road to Buendia. And lastly, I had to cross the road and get a jeepney ride from Buendia to Vito Cruz. This is stupid.

I've met a couple of people again. I am hating myself more and more for continually doing it and not even doing anything about it. I want to stop, I really do. It's just that I find it more and more difficult to do so. There's this urge within me that my hand and camera can't deal with on their own. My teenage wants always get the best of me that I end up doing a horrible act which I know one day I will pay for. A few more days and I have reached xviii. Perhaps with that event in my life I can really change and make up my mind.

Rejection has been awful. Being denied and rejected from about eight people is really disappointing and painful. Inviting them to watch a movie or meeting up but they just decline your offer, giving an excuse why then can't and forcing me to look for another is just something I can't deal with anymore. I watch Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters by myself. This is the third movie I watched on my own, following The Hunger Games and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Here I go again ranting about how much I am in need and how much I long for a boyfriend. Just someone to love and understand me. Someone who would hug and kiss me whenever I feel down. Someone who would be my bestfriend and who would find time to hang out with me. Someone who isn't only happy to be with me but is also proud to have me. Is that too much to ask? I guess I'm not supposed to be happy just yet.

What else? I've talked about seven things here. I guess that's enough to be called worthy of Applause. ARTPOP comes out on November 11 and I can't wait. Mother Monster is back. I missed her. The wait was totally worth it. I can still remember when she released the lead track. I was watching The Conjuring when she tweeted something that made the whole fanbase's heart beat so fast that some might have had a heart attack. I would have. Moments later, she reveal a promotional photo then announced that the song would be released on that day, seven days prior to its original release. We all waited. When played on the radio, everyone went wild. Tweets, posts, hashtags ruled the online society. I love this fanbase. I love Lady Gaga. 

Sexy Love

I came almost thirty minutes late to our 1:30 pm to meet up at the amphitheater. The night before, I slept early to evade getting up late. Luckily,I woke up earlier than usual that I was able to watch one of the most famous television series in Philippine television before lunch time. To prove that I was even more excited, I woke up in the middle of the night around 3 am, and another time around 7 am, I think.

However, my fortunate waking up early wasn't very much useful because I had to rush myself to finish bathing, getting dressed, and get to Taft. Traffic was awful that I just slept it off to get my mind off the idea of being late. Good thing that I woke up just before getting off.

Inside the campus, I was literally running around. Not usually seen done by a Lasallian but I made an exemption because it would be really pathetic and embarrassing on my part. First, because I was the one who asked for his shorts, although he was the one who offer. Second, because I came late and nothing says way to keep me waiting after I was the one with the kind heart to lend you my shorts than arriving late.

I rushed to the amphitheater and keened my eyes. I searched around the amphitheater, inside hallways, and past the buildings. The campus was really beautiful, I had in my mind. I never really got to appreciate the amphitheater until that moment. I sat on a bench and instantly saw him, sitting right across me perhaps 10 feet or so, talking to a guy. I sat for a while to catch my breath and to wipe the sweat off my neck and face.

I wasn't sure if it was him, though. I have only seen him once and that was by chance at a supermarket. I had to get a better view of him. I walked behind them, towards Yuchengco. I was surprised to be greeted by a someone. No, it wasn't him greeting me. He had no idea that I existed until three days ago when I tweeted, replied to his post, added him on Facebook, and chatted with him. It was an old school mate of mine during my preschool and elementary days. I was surprised to see her there. We caught up with each other's lives, and she was kind enough to sit with me and talk some more.

Now, I was with her and we sat no more than five feet to his left. I was hoping that he would hear my voice, or catch my constant glimpses of him. However, he did not. As we sat there, the four of us, I was charging all my guts to talk to him. While doing so, I appreciated the little pond in the center of the amphitheater. I was surprised to see a turtle, eating some grass or whatnot, and going back to the water. Apparently, he is called Amphigong. I took notice of his hair, what he wore, and his nose. Weird things for me to notice but I just had to. Minutes passed and I still didn't have the courage to talk to him.

It was already past an hour (and a half) of waiting when I finally came to approach him. I told him:

(nv)
Excuse me. Are you Jomar? Sorry to keep you waiting.
Yeah. Kanina pa nga ako naghihintay mga isang oras na.
Sorry. Nahihiya kasi ako saka may kausap ka eh. Pasensya na.
Balik mo na lang pag meron ka na.

I swear, he seemed pissed or angry for keeping him waiting. Way to go. At least I got hold of his shorts, which upon getting home, I immediately took a sniff and it smelled good. Surprisingly good for some shorts, PE shorts for that. Creepy of me, I admit, but since when can I ever get a chance to get hold of a clothing of some handsome and famous guy from tumblr/twitter?

Lost In My Bedroom

• It's mother's day and I just wrote a 7/10 mushy letter for my mom but I just sent it to her Facebook account cause I didn't have enough time to write it on paper.
• Ice is currently going haywire. Its webcam cannot be detected. While I did some troubleshooting, I think I only made things worse. I deleted this driver or something. I have to go to the mall to have it checked. Don't die on me, Ice.
• My sleeping schedule is still fucked. It's a quarter to three in the morning and I'm still typing away as if I'm any good in writing. I should really fix my sleeping patterns cause classes resume in like — checks the calendar — fifteen days! I wasn't even aware that it was that close.
• Adding to the third entry, I haven't even enrolled yet. I have no idea what subjects would be credited, what my block will be, if I do have a one, my classes and my schedule. I'm pretty much excited, thrilled, and terrified all rolled into one.
• I was supposed to be enrolled today but mom didn't have the money cause she hasn't withdrawn yet. I called CLA (College of Liberal Arts, my future home) about three times asking for the enrollment. I really love the "Thank you for calling De La Salle University..." So, I'm guess I'll be officially a Lasallian on Tuesday.
• LPEP will be on Wednesday and Thursday! It's like the Lasallian version of the Thomasian Welcome Walk. I am so psyched! I get to meet new people and experience the Lasallian life.
• I'm afraid that I'm bragging to much to people that I'm going to be studying in La Salle. Just me typing "Lasallian" or "De La Salle University" makes me feel for myself that I'm bragging. Hopefully I'm not.
• I'm going to be majoring in Literature. Heck, I'm not even good in writing poetry, prose, or different articles that are worth reading. My friends think otherwise. But I just can't see the good in me. I'm following a bunch of people who write stupendously. Here I am, writing like an amateur, attempting to be a cornier and loser version of a writer for trying to make a novel, and craving for notes on my entries on my blog. So pitiful on my part. I long for likes from other people because I can't appreciate my own. And when I do get a feeling that I made something worthy, I barely get any notes.
• With my new url, crepuscularliteralist, I don't think I am in the position to call myself as a literalist. Crepuscular is acceptable because of, like I said, my fucked up schedule. Maybe I should change it to crepuscularamateur for a while until I can really call myself a literalist.
• Lastly, I don't know where I would end up if when I graduate in La Salle. Would I end up as a writer like I highly dream of? Would I be like Gian and Em working at ABS-CBN as a writer? I really don't know. Would I just be a high school teacher? I hope it's good enough that I could live on my own and have fun. Roughly, I'll be graduating at around twenty years old, I think.

Break My Fall

What a great way to easily contradict my previous post.

Everything was going if not that good, okay. We were talking and tweeting and everything. Not until you came into the picture. Let's say, yes, he did follow you first. You followed back, just to be nice, and since we talk about him. I was okay with it cause you're just being friendly. Or so I thought. I was taking my entrance exam in De La Salle, which by the way didn't go that well, I was losing all hope throughout the first half of the exam. When I checked my phone, I saw that I had a missed call. And it was for him. This slightly gave me motivation to strive harder to do well in the exam. When I was finished, I texted you and then you called right after. You jokingly said that he was there with you. I was ecstatic. Happy, even. Then as we were walking to the place where we were to wait for a bus, he called. You gave me the phone so that I could talk to him. Then suddenly, it seemed that he wanted to talk to you more than me. Well, that hurt. So, I gave the phone to you and you both blabbed. Blabbed so much that I wanted to erase myself from the world. To be not beside you and hear your conversation would be great. I took my earphones, good thing mom had a pair, and played loud music. I walked away, but not too far cause I didn't want everything to be an issue. Then we got a bus. I thought you would still be talking but no. You just texted. I assumed that it was him whom you were texting. I was giving you the cold shoulder and I hope you felt that. Upon getting off the bus, I was supposed to immediately leeave but I decided to give you a cold good bye. When I arrived home, I immediately pm-ed you a message of all my feelings towards him and that I am really jealous of what you have, and not me having it with him. You said that you were sorry. I expected that you would stop it. A few minutes later, I saw both of you tweeting. Strike one. The following day, he posted on your wall. Strike two. That evening, he tweeted you first and I assumed that it was because of something that you texted or talked about. Strike three. You're out.

You just chose him over me. You just lost your best friend over a guy. I can't believe it. How could you? I told you that I liked him. I thought that you were nice. I never want to see you. Too much. I really, really hate you right now. Like to the point when I hated you alongside with Rayban. I fucking hate you. To the bones. I treated you as my best friend. But what do you do? You take it for granted, I guess, and you rip my feelings away. I am right. You're developing feelings for him and who knows? He might have developed some for you. I hope you're happy, bitch. Cause like I said before, and this time it's for real, I'm out of your life and you no longer have a John in your next chapters. I'm no lose. Have it your way. Have everything your way. Thank you.

Is It Wrong?

I feel so pathetic. Here I go again thinking that we have something where in fact, it's all in my mind. I hate knowing that you won't like me and troubles me that I'm not doing anything about it. 

For the past few days, I've been talking to you on the phone and frequently tweeting you. I made this whole other world where we had a thing and that we'd be together someday. It's weird how you were completely comfortable talking to me especially since I was just a 'stalker' to you before and I was trying to catch your attention way too much. But you talked to me so easily that I was shocked. 

What shocked me more was that you told me a lot in a span of two hours. We usually talk by 3AM then finish before the clock strikes 4AM. We've already talked about your ex(es), guys you've had a thing with, and this weird trait of yours where you can't have something intimate with someone more than a hug with your cheek pressed against to his cheek, I guess. With that then on, I totally changed how I viewed you as a person and wanted a complete make-over myself. 

I don't care about how you talked about who is Makkie's new boyfriend (and that being how we got to talk to each other). I don't care how you always talk about you and anything you want to talk about. I don't even care about the sex - a hug is all I need right now.

I want to be with the boyy who talks a lot.

State of Grace

I'm ending first year in a three days! That is after I get my grades and transcript of records which would probably be on the end of the month. But who cares? I'm not really all smiles about this sudden decision. But it's a fact I have to face. I'm sorry for even leaving UST. I know that this is where my heart is, but I guess better things await me somewhere else. Oh, and fuck you AB for getting my hopes up.

I'm doing my best to be happy about shifting. There's no other choice so I might as well put a smile on my face. I'll miss everything there. I won't be situated in Espanya anymore. Perhaps, and hopefully, I'll be at Taft. There's a lot to pay attention to. First is that I have to pass the entrance exam. Hopefully they would accept me even though I'm not flawless and rich and just an average student. Second is that I have to pass the scholarship test. I'll do what it takes even if I had to be a student worker inside the campus.

Which reminds me, I have to save a lot of money to help my mom with the tuition fee that we have to have in around 2 months. Hopefully the scholarship, if ever I pass it, would help us. Even if I have to maintain a grade just to keep it. I think that's a good idea because I would be motivated to actually work hard for my stay in Taft.

Purity Ring

I wasn't able to post cause I was too lazy and I didn't find enough time to actually blog. Despite the fact that I dropped all major subjects and I still have the guts to say that I don't have the time. Anyways, a brief update of my life.

I have a new baby! Besides Lights and Brand, there's Ice! He's my favorite baby now. Adding to the family is my collection of books. To date, I have 32 books. I'm so inlove with reading now. I gave myself a challenge to read 25 books this year. So far I've read 14 books. Majority of which I borrowed from my cousin. I know I can finish my challenge. If I do, I'll go for 50 books! Above is the first picture set taken from Ice's webcam. It got me the highest likes on Facebook. :">

College has really been a bitch. I don't even want to rant it out here but seriously, college is a real bitch. My blockmates are horrible. Well, some of them. I like the majority, but those who feel like they're above us - never. I'm glad I'm shifting courses. Good bye and good riddance, bitches.

I met two guys. The first one is Enzo. I kinda liked him cause he's gay and we both like books. We decided to meet at Bonifacio Highstreet and buy some books. But, that day didn't turn out as I expected it to be. It just tumbled down from there. Another was this awesome guy I met through Skype. We decided to meet up. His name is Leo and he's really gay and tall. Quick fact: He knows Diolo and his sister is friends with Diolo's friend. I didn't get a chance to have a picture with Enzo but that's Leo below.

Jared had some tumblr-college friends over. Namely Beans and Hazel. Of course, afterwards, he spilled what happened. They got drunk. He also told me that Beans asks about me. I think I should be fangirling over that. I'm really getting jealous cause he finally found someone to replace me. But I really shouldn't feel that way. I have no idea what to feel.

College is about to end soon and I survived! I can finally shift to the course I really like, and hopefully is fitting for. I just hope I still have a slot cause I think I want Communication Arts and not Journalism. Whatever works. I have to fix some files.

Not Over You

During a December sunset, sitting on the soft, dew-covered grass with a good book, some Starbucks, and a person that truly cares for you and whom you truly love. Sitting side by side, with your hands together, fingers intertwined, you enjoy the cool breeze of the soft, calming air, watching as the sun goes down. You look at him, but he continues staring into the warm horizon. When he finally looks at you, he smiles. And you smile back. Everything at that moment was perfect.