Bed of Lies

What's gotten into me? I've been down this road before. You know where it ends—in a dead end. It's going nowhere and yet, why do I keep pushing things as if something would even sprout from it? Why am I so stupidly hoping that you and I would be a couple? Why can't I stop myself from wanting to talk to you? Oh god. I fucking hate this.

I know I shouldn't even try but why did I invite you to UP Lantern Parade afterparty to listen to Up Dharma Down? That's like a date itself, right? And yet he agreed. I don't get it. Right now, I'm torn. Hoping that you wouldn't be able to come so I can stop this nonsense. And at the same time, hoping that you'd do so I'd finally see you and hear your voice. We'd finally be able to bond. I'm already expecting an awkward moment but here I am again hoping that we'd share that night with a kiss or even a hug. How stupid can I get?!

I hate this. I hate how you haven't completely moved on. I hate how you won't like me. I hate how I had my hopes up from that single comment from you. I hate how I can't have you. I hate how we can't be together. I hate how we might not even see each other. I hate how I want to push myself away from you and yet want to be right next to you right now. I hate how confusing this situation is. I hate how even thought I know I can't have you, I still want to. I hate everything.

Christmas season is already here and the main event is just a few days away. I knew I would be celebrating it single but ever since that night, I had my hopes up again. I just wanted to have someone to spend it with. Someone who would hold my hand as we watch the lights or the fireworks. Someone who would give me a hug as we listen to the music and enjoy the festivity. Someone who would make me feel loved.

Oh god, and now I'm in tears. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for someone. I feel so lonely. So worthless. So useless. So ugly. I hate this shit.

Feel So Close

I thought it wasn't for real. I thought it was just until there. I thought you won't even like me. I got ahead of myself but it's a good thing it didn't stop me from giving it a try. And now, I think I mean something to you and I hope we're going somewhere with this.

It was a quarter to four when I finally saw you. Just by the escalator, there you stood. Black shorts with matching black shoes, a shirt with a design of a dog, and your newly bought Herschel bag. You wore your signature glasses which had a really high grade. We roamed around the mall before getting the tickets you reserved the night before. "X-Men: Days of Future Past" was the movie you chose to watch. I'm not really a fan of any Marvel, X-Men, or whatever movie but since you insisted that movie, I went for it.

Your first stick. We were outside and you kept asking me if I was okay. I was my usual awkward self and I couldn't help it. I tried keeping up with the conversation but I was still very much overwhelmed that I was dating you, that I finally saw you, and that I was with you. All that was too much to take in.

We had some snacks. You bought Php 360 worth of fries with barbecue, honey mustard, and cheese dips, lemonade juice and a cheeseburger without pickles. We ate it on a table near by and it was my first time to actually take a good look at you. You were adorable as ever. You weren't what I expected but I was happy. Your eyes were different. Your lips weren't that thick. You weren't that fit. But I really didn't care.

We went out for your second stick and quickly after, went into the cinema. L22 for me and L23 for you. The movie started and as it did, our hands held, our lips kissed, and my feelings grew. I hope yours did too. With each breath-taking scene, you squeezed my hand and I squeezed yours back. Many things really do happen inside the cinema.

The movie ended but that didn't finish our night. We roamed around and just talked. We had a hard time looking for a place to hang but we ended up buying some sunnies and you had your third stick as we went outside Starbucks. We were getting closer as the night grew deeper. Then we went inside and waited for a seat with a nearby socket. When we finally did, we took the table and then transferred to the couches.

I didn't understand your order so you ordered for us. My regular Venti Mocha Frappe plus your drink was labelled "Daril" which we both found stupid. We played PvZ 2 and it was a bit challenging on my part but it was so easy for you. We had more time to ourselves and things got hot. We talked about twitter and my gesture of talking to Joper about my liking to you, which apparently you liked. We played side by side and you licked my ear in exchange of me playing with yours. I wanted right there and then to kiss you.

We went outside again and you took your fourth stick. Once it was done, we had to get going because you were going to Leo's flat.

You accompanied me out to the bus stop and before we left each other's company, you gave me a big hug in the middle of the crowd. You kissed me by the neck and as you did, I whispered into your ears "Do you like me?" and you sad "Sakto lang." I followed it with "Good enough to be your boyfriend?" and your reply made me smile. "I can't tell right now." It wasn't a no but it was a maybe. There was hope. There was a chance.

It''s funny how the littlest of details got stuck in my mind. Like the dips, the price of your order, the seats, and the time that you smoke. I really like you. I hope you feel the same way. I wanted to say those three words but I hesitated thinking that it was too early for it. I wanted to feel your lips on mine. You pushed against the wall by me as I smothered you with kisses.

I'd love to be your boyfriend. I love you, Daryl. There, I said it.

If I Lose Myself Tonight

My third Happy Thursday was perfect. It was the wildest I've been. It's unfathomable and unforgettable.

Having seen you under the light of the lamppost, it made me eternally happy. It's been a while since we've last seen each other. My world twisted and turned. I was so dizzy from the beer I have drunk that it was a miracle that I was able to walk straight. A first timer with beer, I didn't know how long I would last.

We sat side by side, awkward. I ignored you the best that I can. It wasn't difficult. Being drunk, I was true. No lying, no plasticity. But I withheld my actions. I was in fact wanting to hold you, or better yet, grab you by your waist and pull you closer, kiss you on your lips, down to your neck, caressing your parts and ignore the background.

We played a game. You kissed me, held me, let me hug you. It was... wow. Te amo, beer. You've gone drunk, more or less, that it made you do actions that you were never able to do when you were sober. I cherished it because I may never know when it will happen again. As each ball was shot into the cup, we hugged. Before throwing each ball, you kissed me for good luck. Too bad we lost in the end which made us both even more drunk.

Then you crashed. Down on the pavement of the bar. You ranted about life. How you will never be successful. How you were such a failure. How you wanted to leave but only stayed for your friends. Everything went down from there. Later, I vomited. It was disgusting. The insides of me, all liquid. After that, I became sober.

We rode a taxi to a place to sleep in. In the room we were alone. We were together. Under the sheets, we were naked. It was there and then where we made history. We made love. I made love, while you, well, I know it wasn't love. I took it in and placed it in my mind.

As each kiss went throughout the night, it was, it was... I don't even know what it was. It was unforgettable. It was unfathomable. It was only for that night.

Almost

You called as night enclosed dusk. I hurriedly answered your call. It got me thinking what it was you needed from me. It didn't had to be something big or something small because I knew in my head that in a snap, I'll do it right away. I wouldn't think things through because I'll gladly do anything for you.

You asked me where I was and what I was doing. Perhaps it was only for formality. Immediately after, you told to meet you in a church. I did not have any second thinking, I said yes and I'll get ready in an instant. I quit from the game that I was playing and got ready. I was rushing more than ever. Faster than I have ever been. Maybe I was rushing because I was meeting you.

You told me that you were in a fast food chain around the church with your friends. No, not just your friends but your best friends. I was far-fetched. Did you call me up to introduce me to your best friends? Was this the night that I would finally get to meet the both of them? A lot of questions roamed my mind as the jeepney drove across the expressway, the wind in my face and the cold breeze of night blanketing me. I couldn't wait for the warmth that would come from you.

You kept calling me as if you were excited. Your best friends were already getting an idea who was coming. I was lost. It took me four tries because apparently there were four fast food chains around the church. I came and you saw me sweating like a pig. I looked horrible. My hair was unruly, not the way that I like it. It could not get any worse. But everything bad was made up because I saw something that I like. You.

You were still freaking out even if I was already right beside you. Your best friends were giddy inside because I came after all. They know you so well. Now you kept asking why I came, telling me that I should learn to decline every now and then. I thought to myself, why did I come? I knew in the back of my mind that it was all because of you.

You took me to a place that I've never been to. It was a church. I don't normally attend mass because it's not the type of person I am. We sat inside and you, along with your best friends, did your prayers. Suddenly, the speaker sounded. It asked us to hold hands in prayer. I took your hand and held it to mine. It was the first time I ever held you.

You act as if it was nothing. To me, it was something. We went out of the church and just sat under the moonlight and admired the church itself. The sound of water falling from a nearby fountain was soothing. It was a fun moment for all of us that you wanted to remember it so dearly. You took out your camera and asked me to take a picture. I'm not good with holding a camera to take self-portraits so I declined. Later on, I accepted the task. The first shot was a failure. We couldn't see the end. So, I tried again and it was perfect. Perhaps it was perfect because not only it was our first picture together but because I was sitting right next to you.

You and your friends needed to go home. I did not say no because it was getting late. You asked if you could borrow my hoodie and I said yes. Clearly, I do not know how to decline. We parted ways happy. Well, I was happy. I wish I could say the same for you.

You were already on your way home and I was also. It was the same thing again. Driving across the expressway under the blanket of the night, embraced by the cold breeze of it, but now it was colder, without my jacket, and still longing for a warm embrace that would come from you.

You are the beginning and you are the ending. It all starts from you and I'm glad it does. Literally, every paragraph begins and ends with you.

Best Thing I Never Had

i. I think I've finally gone numb from all the pain. I think I've finally realized my stupidity. But I don't think I'll be over you anytime soon.

ii. I can't gather my thoughts right now. Everything is a blur. Just like what we are. Right from the very start, we were a blur. I thought I could focus that blur so that I'd see the picture more clearly but sadly, it didn't work out.

iii. What pains me more is knowing that after all I did, I still couldn't capture your heart. I did things that I, myself, was surprised. I saw myself doing things for someone that I thought would like me back. Things that I've only done for someone that I really like. I don't want to say that I regret anything that I did but I somehow do. I could have given it to another person but I wanted it so it's my fault. 

iv. I'm so stupid to think that you would actually fall for a guy like me. How stupid can I get? I am such a hopeless romantic. I hate myself for being so. I'll never find love. I'll never find happiness. Then comes the issue of self-esteem. I hate it.

v. I'm thankful, to say, that you gave me another chance. Thank you for making me happy and for making me smile. 

vi. I love you and this is finally it. We're going our separate ways as if we even walked the same path. 

vii. I wish you never even came back and showed your ass back. I've forgotten about you before and now my feelings are back. I remember our first meeting, our second, third and fourth. I remember the tweets, messages, and calls. I remember everything and I just want to forget it all. No, I want to forget what I am feeling. I want this to continue but it can't. Everything has to end and just really never wanted this to end. 

viii. It's going to be hard ending this but I have to. 

ix. It sucks how you can't teach your heart to love someone but you have to force your heart to forget someone. It's unfair. 

x. Honestly, you turned out to be the best thing I never had.

My friend told me that you have to go through four people before you meet your true love, or as she put it The One.

There is this time when you would feel your heart's presence and make you feel the butterflies inside your stomach. An indescribable feeling whenever you see this person. It is with this person that you feel sweet and you create images of the both of you living together happily. This person could be called your puppy love. The someone that your friends would tease you of. If you're a guy, you would tease her about silly things and she would end up crying. If you're the girl, you would be annoyed in the most irritable way possible. That's how everything usually starts especially in elementary. It is in this person's identity that you have found your First Love.

Everything perfect. It's like you have the complete package and you can no longer look for anything else. The attitude, personality, fun and weird things about him/her, hobbies, and everything from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet and everything in between. This is what you call perfection. Whoever, something is off. And yes, it's the timing. You met the ideal person whom you envisioned spending the rest of your life with but sadly, you just met at the worst possible moment. And worst of it all, the perfection of that was supposed to be yours, you would have to deal with it being taken away by some other person and you can do nothing about it. You've found and lost The One That Could Have Been.

Now in the duration of your life, you would meet someone that is reckless, carefree, lives in YOLO beliefs, and just is the perfect definition of something gone wrong. This person could be smoking pot, or cutting class, or slitting his wrists, or intimidating people to get what he wants. He is so wrong that you could never picture yourself with him. But despite this awful background, you will find the beauty in him and fall in love. You will learn to appreciate and understand what he has gone through and you will learn to accept his flaws and actions and just take him whole-heartedly as he is. I guess you could say that he's The Bad Boy.

And last of them is someone that you've already had but failed to keep. Someone that is so near that you have him at arm's length and someone that you can feel on your fingertips. Someone that is, let me say it again, perfect for you. Unlike before, everything is falling into the right places. The time and place, what happens next, how you met, and everything else. It's like the perfect love story. You would think that you have found your 'happily ever after' but you haven't. You are either separated by death, or distance, or parent's decision or whatever. This person was already there but I guess he's The One That Got Away.

Now ask yourself this: Have you seen your First Love? The One That Could Have Been? The Bad Boy? And The One That Got Away? If so, then hurray for you. You're on your way in finding your true love, The One. The One is your missing piece, the other pair, the perfect match, the one who would be there for you no matter what comes in your way, the one who would make you smile and forget about your worries and problems, the one that would accept you and your mistakes, flaws and apprehensions, the one that would make you live life to the fullest, and the one that will make you experience everything as if it is your first time.